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They can smell weakness

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June 16, 2013 by Dadinator

Last night was one of those nights. It was not bad or heart wrenching or the kind of night to reduce me to a gibbering shell of a man. I’ve had those…. No, last night was just funny.

The Mamanator was out working. I had The Lad to myself, and would have him till a bit after 7 which is well and truly after his bed time rituals started. So for the first time in a while I was doing it solo. I had taken The Lad out for the afternoon to run him around, give him a chance to play and to also avoid any tears about mum leaving. It worked well. He didn’t even notice his mum driving past.

After we arrived home I realised I had to move our other car. It was under our carport, right next to the spot 2 cubic metres of firewood was about to be dumped. I didn’t want it to get partially buried, so I hopped into the car to move it around. The Lad shrieked with terror. Cars are only used when people leave, according to him, so me moving the car must have seemed like abandonment was impending. It wasn’t, of course, and he perked up the second I had put the hand break on and gotten back out of the car, but it was pretty bad for about 15 seconds there, poor Lad. Next time I’ll put him in the car seat.

We played. Don’t remember what we played, but we played. Then the firewood arrived, I paid the guy and went back inside. The Lad had managed to do 2 things. He had managed to get our nappy sprayer going. For those who don’t know a nappy sprayer is basically a trigger hose you fit into the inlet pipe of your toilet. You use it to spray cloth nappies down before you store them in a pail to be washed. Anyway he got it gushing, how he did it we shall never know. So I walked into the bathroom and saw a small pile of sodden toilet paper on the floor sitting in puddles. I popped the paper into the toilet and went towel hunting.

On that hunt, for some reason I went into The Lads room and noticed something amiss…. He had pulled out a roll of paper nappy liners. Again for those unfamiliar with such things, these are liners you put in a nappy to give you a disposable and flushable layer. Very useful if bub craps themselves while out, you can flush most of it away rather than carrying it around. I put 2 and 2 together… That toilet paper wasn’t toilet paper, it was these liners. Now I mentioned they were flushable while we were out. They aren’t flushable at home because being country bumpkins we have an underground septic treatment system and these liners can clog up pumps. So I had to get them out of the toilet. GROSS. Turns out the toilet hadn’t been flushed (by me) when it was last used (by me), so it had wee in it. GROSSER. So I gritted my teeth and cleaned up. If he was a cunning maniacal genius, I would say The Lad had exacted revenge for the fright he received earlier. But of course he is just a baby, right? Yeah, just a baby…..

Dinner wasn’t eventful. Pasta in red sauce (home made of course) with carefully concealed carrot and celery. He wolfed it down, so I felt good about my food provision skills. Then it was bath time. Then it was bath time. Usually the Mamanator starts filling the bath before I bring The Lad in. This time I had to run the bath myself, which is okay The Lad likes to watch the water filling the tub. I undressed him while waiting, intending to get him down to his nappy, but this time the nappy descended as I pulled down his pants. oh well, thought I, no big deal. About a minute later I felt a warmth on my leg. Then it was a wet warmth. I looked down to see that, as I feared, the lad was using me like a tree and having a pee on my leg. A nanosecond later he was in the bath, it was full enough anyway. The bath was normal, all went well. Teeth got brushed. Faces were washed. Games were played. Then, for the second time in his life, he pooed in the bath. He couldn’t do it on a night his mum was home…. floating poo. Ew. I was going to have to move it. Bathtime screeched to an abrupt halt as the plug came out and bits were wiped down.

Suddenly I was in a flurry. There was no night nappy made up for me, so that had to be done ASAP, I was not making the mistake of trusting his excretory system again that night. It also turned I needs to put new sheets on his cot, warm up his wheat bag, feed the cats. These are usually the domain of The Mamanator, but not tonight… Fortunately the early end to bathtime gave me the extra minutes I needed. I even cleaned the bath. All this got done to the music of In The Night Garden, and I got him to bed at his normal time.

So, I don’t know if this was toddler comeuppance for the scare I gave him earlier, or if he knew it was the night to let rip because daddy’s reinforcements were not due to arrive till 7, but he made me work for it last night. But, in spite of faeces and urine and stuff, we had a great time and he still fell asleep holding my hand. Wouldn’t change a thing. Except I would have flushed the bloody toilet….

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